Gratitude, An ode to my 25th.
2016–2017
I penned down this gratitude log as a #notetoself for all the times I’m rattled by self-doubt. Gratitude, on me, works like a power-dose of endorphins! :)
My mum always told me that being an artist brings with itself, it’s own perils to my happiness. I’ve struggled for the longest time with my hard-wired instinctive perfectionism- the perfect art, the perfect time, the perfect guy, the perfect room, the perfect blog! I’ve held myself to the highest standards, seldom reached them and failed to celebrate my little wins along the way, until recently, when I decided that I don’t want to continue living so little.
Putting out a little imperfect something like this blogpost, is my attempt at breaking out of my comfort zone of self-deprecation, towards a more healthy, evolving notion of self.
Someone dropped me this pearl recently; “All that you can manifest, is you”.
25 has been precious; most certainly my most lived year so far, especially because it was full of “firsts”. Now that nearing it’s end, it’s only fair that I pause a little and pay a written tribute to the wins and vagaries of these 365 days!
P.S.- Fair warning, this is going to sound a little bit like I’m tooting my own horn!
On art
Discovered a style of art I could make my own and made my first series that was received well. Someone asked me if they could print and frame it! :) <link>
I’m excited about developing my thoughts around the next few! :)
On family
Dad completed a glorious tenure in the Indian Army, complete with it’s ups and downs. During this period he received an appreciation letter from the President of India, for his involvement in the Kargil War of 1998–99.(Proud of you, Papa!)
We made it through retirement as a family. We bought, setup and moved into the first home of our own!
On love
In fall last year, I fell in love for the first time while trekking up a mountain. It took 3 days for the feeling to manifest and another 3 for it to vaporize, but it left me feeling grateful to unlock the best flavor of emotions inside me! I had experienced a relationship before, just not love.
On Relationships
Ended a stressful relationship(with an erstwhile close friend and an otherwise nice guy) Though this seemed inevitable, the transition was traumatic. “Firsts are real hard…”,they said. In retrospect, I wouldn’t have it any other way ‘coz I rocked my first break-up!(10 kilos, ftw!)
Managed to bring back to life two of my most important relationships despite setbacks I had never imagined to experience.(Closest friend and a close life coach and spiritual anchor)
Learnt the value of disengaging from conflict and stepping back, albeit the hard way. The Taurean in me never allowed for this before. All my relationships got a little better with that approach.
On work life
Officially took up my first job. Did something super-cool there and blew everyone’s mind!
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Concluded my first proper freelance project. Made a buttload of money to pay off half my education loan but realised that freelancing is probably not my thing.
Making a new home
Set up my own room and home for the first time with first big purchases of furniture, appliances and pretty plants, all from my first *real salary! :) It had only been stipends so far. #homesettingupfeels
On mountains
Trained and did my first high altitude trek. Words can do no justice how incredible I felt. On those slopes, I felt like I was reborn into a blank canvas of another life, waiting to be painted. I was infinitesimally small, and yet infinite. That I could do anything I set my mind to; for I’m bolstered by the forces of my people- that mountain and that river!
Quite unlike my usual self-conscious disposition, I found myself choreographing my first flash-mob for complete strangers on the summit!
I was fortunate to have experienced an orgiastic and deeply spiritual moment of oneness with nature while tripping on certain *substances for the first time. <Link to the post>
On music
Went to my first Coldplay concert<insert many exclamation marks> 8 hours of standing without food, but so worth it!Fitness band says- 11,000 steps in 2 hours. I was a spring for those 2 precious hours that Coldplay performed!
Heard the lovely Anoushka Shankar perform live! This was on my bucket list for years!
Beth Hart live! That voice is just sheer voodoo. I was so gripped, I got myself an autograph too :)
On little big wins
Paid off my education loan, real quick, to dad’s greatest relief!
Officially wrote the longest document I’ve ever written, my design grad school thesis <link>and graduated from National Institute of Design on time, despite significant personal setbacks.(If you know the NID way of life, you would know that’s real hard!)
On working on my person
Decision making
Slow decision making was a constant source of stress for me. This year, I did learn to timebox my decisions. Thanks to my flatmate’s constant reproaches during the slew of his mind-wrenching board games we played at home this year. I totally believe in board games now! All hail Terra Mystica! Now and often, I remind myself of Sylvia Plath’s “Fig Tree” to reinforce the time-value of my decisions.<link>
The physical self
I’ve always been affected by weight issues, and have tried a variety of workouts and diets. I always wanted to try running, but never took it seriously, until now. I did my first 5k and 12k run- Bangalore Music Run and Heritage Run@ Hampi. Loved the format and loved running. I’m inspired to get into serious running.
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On the joy of giving
My brother and I gifted dad a laptop and mom a diamond ring. First few expensive gifts. It’s delightful to see them show off their gifts to their friends. I believe there are so many more to come. Both of us are hoping to take them out for a vacation abroad soon this year too!
Stage Fright
I’ve always been an outstanding student in school- pun intended. I would crack lame jokes in class, make everyone laugh, be punished to stand outside(grinning shamelessly) and top the class in the exams anyway despite missing lectures. All this, much to my teachers’ annoyance. One thing I knew about myself, growing up is- it gives me immense pleasure to make people laugh, sometimes and most often, at my own expense. So this year, for the first time, I started attending a lot of open mics and I secretly harbour a new little dream to perform as a comic! My stage fright still acts up though.
On rekindling old hobbies & nurturing new ones
- Gardening<blog link>
- Guitar- Picked it up again after 5 years! <soundcloud link>
- Writing- Wrote my first blog on my experience with gardening and got published in an online journal for the first time, all in a week!
- Cooking
On Food
Although my mum always made best food ever, hands down, I’ve always harboured a keen interest in understanding the nuances of flavours and new cuisines(and recently, animals)
I started to get more serious about food this year. I’ve started to blog about my culinary exploits in town<link> and also learnt to cook myself some decent meals!<link>
<personal food project- links>
On Travel
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Himalayas
Hampi
Kochi
Wayanad
Gokarna
Belur
Chikmanglur
On dropping inhibitions
Danced my worries away with reckless abandon this year! I’ve certainly moved towards a more positive body-image.
Went to my first salsa social and had many fun nights with the ladies! Discovered the precious cheap thrills of grooving to shape of our bodies at the end of a bad day! You see what I did there? ;)
Explored and discovered a lot more about my sexual self than I did all these years. I believe a whole world of understanding awaits though.
On Bloopers and realisations
Speaking of firsts, not everything was so rosy!
I missed my first(two)flights(EVER!) out of over a 100 flights taken so far. Meeting a crush a night before an early morning flight, and coming back to an inviting hotel mattress with his thoughts in my head is so totally not my thing. Exact same reason for the flight miss- both the times! Such a pinch. :/
Threw my own birthday party on my 25th for the first time, got burnt out and learnt how not to throw parties! No party this time, till I figure this one bit out.
Thank you, 2016, for being so truly full of life!
